The Return

So I'm back. I honestly don't believe that anyone actually missed me during my silence, but whatever. I hope that I can make blogging a habit. I don't think I will ever have many readers - why would I? But I feel that writing every day, or every few days, will help me cultivate my writing hobby.

Over the last few weeks I have realized something. I realized that people are human. And human means that they aren't perfect. I have idolized people in my life: my boyfriend, my parents, coworkers, even this blogger couple I have been reading lately. I think that these idolized people can do no wrong ever. And then they do, and I am disappointed. It's a natural reaction, I suppose. But why do I feel so hurt and disappointed when this happens? Why do I idolize these people in the first place? I finally figured it out.

I have this void in my life and I am trying to fill it with people.

Can anyone else see the problem with this? I keep depending on these human people to be a constant source of something in my life, but how can they be? They can't. It's not humanly possible.

So how do I fill this void? Knowing with what to fill it is easy. I need to fill it with God and His word. Actually filling it will be hard. I have a tendency to get into a good routine, and then something happens to throw it off and I never get back into the groove of it. Last year, when I lived in Claremore, I had a fantastic routine of working out, eating yogurt and blueberries and reading my Bible while I waited for my adrenaline to calm down, and then I would go to bed. That went very well for a few months, until I gave blood and couldn't follow my workout routine that night. So the next night I found an excuse to forgo my ritual. And the next night I found another excuse. That was the end of my wonderful workout/Bible-reading routine.

For the new year, Austin and I agreed to begin a Daniel fast, a fast in which we eat fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and cut out processed foods, sugars, all forms of meats, and most fats. The purpose of this fast, for me, is to, cliche as it sounds, get closer to God. I have strayed away so much over the last year, and I had no idea. I still called myself a conservative Christian, but in listening to my brother talk about political and theological matters, I came to the rattling conclusion that I have become more diluted in my faith than I had thought. I know I am wrong in some of my thoughts and beliefs now, but how to fix them is my issue. I am not even sure where I am wrong on some points; I am only sure that I am. So. My purpose for fasting is to discover what I believe and why. I do not want to hold an opinion because my parents hold it. In fact, I think that one reason I fell away is because I did not want to hold the same opinion as my parents. Some of the conservative talk that my mom spouts on a regular basis makes me uncomfortable, but I think that is because I don't have the same passion that she does. I'm not really passionate about anything, except abortion and coffee. I need to acquire some passion about my faith.

So my goals for the fast: Figure out what I believe and why, and become passionate about it.

It is my fear that I will fail in the fast, and it is my prayer that I will succeed, both in the eating and the purpose behind the eating.