Young and restless

Yeah. I'm restless. I want to dye my hair, get married, have my own house with my own kitchen, travel somewhere, be really creative, learn to make my own clothes, decorate fabulously, have vintage (but functional) things, by stylish, do what I love, not work at Starbucks, learn how to cook healthy but on a shoestring, have enough money to buy wine more than once in a blue moon, and be something resembling slim. At this point, none of this is achievable. I'm hard up for money, I don't have time to be creative, the boyfriend isn't exactly being supportive of the healthy cooking thing, I hate the house I live in so I don't want to put money or effort into it because I will move out as soon as I can, it's hotter than Satan's womb so I can't exactly spend hours outside exercising and the campus gym isn't available to me yet because I haven't started classes, and after I'm done buying clothes I need for work or replacing those that are falling apart, I don't have money to buy clothes I want.

I feel like everyone my age is getting engaged or married right now except me, and that's not even an option right now.

Oh, and I can't find my Bible, so any comfort I would get from it about my life right now is not accessible.

The Trials of Life

Well obviously I am not very good about keeping up with this blog.

On another note, my roommate and I bug bombed our house today. It was quite exciting. We set out papers under the little cans, gathered up all the stuff we needed for the next four hours and set it on the porch, and set the bombs off. The instructions were so cryptic. "Point cans away from face... Leave area immediately!" So we did. I'm sure we would have been amusing to watch, running from room to room giggling nervously every time one of the cans started spraying its noxious gasses. So now I am at Starbucks, two hours early, waiting for my shift to start. Oh well. It gives me time to catch up with stuff, like blogging.

The mice are beginning to disappear. We finally got our landlord to call the exterminator, who set out more poison and sticky traps... Basically what we had been doing before. Maybe the poison and sticky traps are industrial strength. So far we haven't found anything on the sticky traps besides these brown-gray hard shelled bugs that are impossible to kill. I had to beat one with a broom handle. The poison has been eaten on, but we haven't seen much activity lately, so maybe they are going away. I found a bunch of mouse droppings in one of the cabinets at floor level in my bathroom, so I dropped some poison in there too.

On the topic of the bathroom... It's dreadful. It's tiny, the walls are an awful gray-tan that sucks the light out of your very soul, and there is no mirror. I bought a tiny mirror for $1 at Salvation Army, but it barely fits my face. The landlord said that there would be a mirror by the time we moved in, but I'm guessing she forgot...? I have plans for that bathroom, though. The insides of the cabinets were actually part of the master bedroom closet, so someone just took some plywood and build shelves and walls to make cabinets for the bathroom. If you can call them walls. There are gaps in the corners and along the seams where the wall meets the shelf. I want to paint them, because it's just naked wood, but how do you make something pretty with paint that is shoddily put together in the first place? I also want to get a little shelf/cabinet/thing to hang on the wall above the toilet for more storage space, as well as a real mirror if the landlord doesn't carry through. The only problem is that these things cost money, and money, as always, is tight. Suggestions?

I also have a prayer request. The transmission on my car has given out, and it is going to be $2900 to fix, which is a little out of the available funds range. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except that if/when it rains or I need to get groceries, my bike is not the best mode of transportation. Some prayer would be great. Thanks, guys. You're the best.

Well I guess this is long enough. Happy weekend guys. Have a great Father's Day.

The days are just packed!

Well I have been in Stillwater for nine days. So far, our house has mice, spiders, and ants. I have been systematically dealing with the spiders as I find them, and ant traps and spray have taken care of the pesky creatures, but the mice were another issue. I found out from one of my other roommates that the house had mice when we moved in (no one told me?!), but for some reason they thought they would just... go away... Right. So on Sunday I found a little brown present left by one of them on my pillow. I later discovered chewed holes in some wrapped candies that my mom gave me for my birthday (21!!).

Austin and I promptly got traps from Wal-Mart and set them up, baited with peanut butter. When they were empty the next day, we discovered that the crafty mice had licked all of the bait off without tripping the trap. Those wily critters. I kept finding chocolates around my room. They had *somehow* gotten on my desk, dragged the candy across the room to the closet and shredded the wrappers. I found chocolate in my shoes, behind the door, under my bed, on my desk chair... How frustrating. The chocolates now live with Austin until the coast is clear.  The landlord was called, and you know what she said? "You are pretty much on your own... Go get some poison." Excuse me. You, as the owner, are responsible for keeping the house vermin-free. I am paying rent. Either get rid of the mice or I will get a cat and not pay the pet deposit.

We took matters into our own hands, though, and got some sticky traps (I know, they're awful, but seeing as how they were too smart to trip the spring traps and our landlord refused to call the exterminator, sticky traps were the next best thing). I baited them with chocolate and we got two mice within two hours. I haven't seen anymore, but we did set out poison packets and those have been nibbled, so we might find more later. I guess I thought that they would disappear, but when they didn't and I kept finding nibbled chocolate shreds and poop on my bed and the floor, I declared war.

Oh, and the transmission on my car is going out. My mother's bike has been my new best friend, but my legs are in a constant state of ache. The car will be towed back to Tulsa next week because apparently there is no one in Stillwater who is good enough to fix it.

My good friends from Tulsa, Haden and Lydia, came to Stillwater on Wednesday night and we all stayed up til the wee hours of the morning, drinking adult beverages and watching the Emperor's New Groove and eating Pringles and peanuts. Such a good way to spend a night.

I started my new job at the Starbucks in Stillwater. Well, it's not really new because I just transferred from Tulsa, but still, it's been interesting. I definitely miss my old store, but hopefully I will come to like this one too.

Oh friends, these days have been an adventure. Hopefully there will be more to come, but none involving broken cars and little rodents.

Stillwater: Day 1

Well it's my first full day in Stillwater. Austin is at work, so I am on my own for a while, which is okay. I am sitting at the Aspen Coffee shop on 6th, trying to figure out what to do with my day. It seems pretty full at this point. I have to go to Wal-Mart for a few *more* essentials, Salvation Army for a cheap mirror to put in my bathroom until the landlord puts one in, and figure out which provider to use for internet at the house. To my deep chagrin, Cox does not serve the Stillwater area. LAME. My brother is helping me figure out a plan with SuddenLink, but I have to go buy a modem and stuff. Being an adult is so stressful. Oh and I have to move into my room. I have my bed set up but I have been living out of boxes so far. Also lame.

Anyone in Stillwater have internet provider suggestions?

Life. It's Hectic.

Well it's been a bit, hasn't it? Sorry. Between finals, graduating, flying to New York City and back, working, driving to Kentucky for my brother's graduation from seminary and back, no wifi when we returned, and getting ready to move to Stillwater on Wednesday, there hasn't been much time for blogging. So I will recap all of the above so you aren't bored to tears.

Finals and Graduating
Well, not much to say there. I basically passed with floating colors. I graduated within the first four rows of 1000 kids, so everyone had to sit forever. By the by, rows have nothing to do with anything. They told us to line up so we did. I just happened to be closer to the front.

New York!
Three days after graduation I flew to New York with Austin and some of his friends from his architecture studio at OSU. Correction: we drove to Dallas and flew to Atlanta and then to New York. We got our tickets for SUPER cheap - $275 for a round trip (Airtran, kids. Super cheap.) One problem... They don't fly out of Oklahoma, so we had to drive to Dallas. No big deal. For $275 I will drive to Dallas and back. We spent the night at a friend's house because our flight left at 6 in the morning. I woke up with a cold, which vastly diminished the amount of enjoyment I got out of the trip. It was still a blast, though. This may attest to exactly what kind of person I am, but my favorite parts of the trip were visiting the New York Public Library and sitting in Bryant Park, drinking coffee and enjoying the beauty of a green park in the the middle of a bustling city. Massive buildings peeping over the trees lining the park, the contrast of the blue, blue sky with the green, green grass, car horns faintly audible even though the road was a few hundred feet away instead of a few hundred miles, hot coffee, cool bench... Need I go on? It was lovely. I definitely plan to go back and enjoy the parks, museums, and libraries in more detail. We visited Times Square at night, were on the Today Show, went to the top of the Empire State Building... So much more. I took hundreds of pictures, and they are on my Facebook. Here are a few of my favorites.

Trinity Church

This guy was dressed up as the classic green army man. 

Bryant Park. Beautiful, right?

The view from the Empire State Building Observation Deck.

Central Park.

Strawberry Fields and IMAGINE memorial.

Driving to Kentucky!!

My brother, after several years of very hard work, graduated from Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Kentucky last week. We drove down to Kentucky through Springfield. On our way, my car started acting funny, missing when I was stopped at lights or in parking lots. By the time we got to Springfield it was dying at stoplights and starting realllly slowly. We barely made it to our hotel, where it was clearly on its last leg. I was sure it was the gas we had gotten in Tulsa, and I was ready to go to Conoco and kill everyone. We found a mechanic through my sister-in-law's dad and they were able to diagnose the problem fairly early the next day. It turned out to be the distributor.. I'm assuming it's a part of my engine that distributes the power from the ignition to the rest of the car... Anyway. They happened to have the part we needed and we were able to be on the road by 2 after breakfast for lunch at Gailey's Breakfast Cafe, which is absolutely stellar by the way. If you are ever in Springfield, I HIGHLY recommend it. They have wonderful coffee, which you can buy at the Mudhouse, a coffee shop just down the block. 

Rain was also an issue. My car did okay, but my brother's car, a tricked out Honda Prelude, was almost lost in the downpour. More than once we had to turn on our hazard lights so we could be seen during the day. But we finally arrived in Wilmore at 2 in the morning of Seth's graduation, which went without a hitch, aside from the woman two rows in front of us oblivious to the massive wedgie overtaking her hind quarters. We met his girlfriend, Ginger, of whom I very much approve. They are going to get married. I am calling it right now. You are all witnesses. 

No Wifi...

Yeah. When we returned from Kentucky, we found our wifi to be nonexistent, which is dumb because my computer keeps saying "Yes! You have wifi!" but then I try to get online and it says "Haha! Made you look!" We have concluded that it is an issue with our provider because nothing we do with the router or whatever is working. So I am sitting at my favorite spot in Tulsa, Shades of Brown, sipping some iced mint matte and catching up with life online. After this, I will be paying some attention to my much-neglected Hulu account.

Moving to Stillwater 

Yup. It's true. As of Wednesday, June 1st, I will be living in Stillwater. I have started packing, but having lived in the same room for fifteen years, I'm not sure what to take and what to leave. Obviously I will be leaving lots of crap, but I can't seem to shift through the crap to find the non-crap that is necessary to my life in the next town. Seeing as how it's only an hour away, I will probably be making many, many trips in attaining the perfect balance of crap and non-crap.

Well folks, that's my life.

 Oh. I went garage sale-ing today. I found a vintage Pan Am bag for a dollar. Steal? Yes. 

In a galaxy far, far away...

Happy Star Wars Day. May the Force be with you. 

Birthdays and stuff...

Well I am actually trying to write the final essay/final exam for my Old Testament  class, but I am very very distracted. Distracted could be an understatement. "Unable to concentrate at this point in my life" is more like it. I keep thinking about moving to Stillwater and what I will do this summer and then I think about what I need to do what I want (paint, sketch, sew, read, etc.), and then that translates into what I want, which has now become a birthday wish list, seeing as how my 21st birthday is a bit more than a month away.

For the record, I don't want to go get smashed with anyone. That is not my style. I want to go get sushi with a few close friends and have some good wine while flashing my "hey I'm 21 now" ID and not having to ask someone else to order alcohol for me. I am thinking that this summer will be full of cozy nights with wine and stars and conversation and movies and awesomeness.

Anyway. I don't want a lot. I feel like anything I want will be practical or enjoyable for a long time. These things include, but are not limited to: Large canvases for painting. Good acrylic paint. Brushes. Lots of wall space to hang the products of the first three items. The complete Harry Potter book series. Rope sandals. The magical ability to sew awesomely and an awesome (but cheap) sewing machine to go along with it. An infinite amount of time to go camping. The ability to make the sky clear on any given night in order to sleep under the stars whenever I am camping.

That's about it. Get moving, kids. You have til June 3.

Just kidding. You don't have to get me anything. =)

Yes, please.

In this this post, I expressed how restless and anxious I have become to leave Tulsa and move on with my life.

But as silly and girly as this sounds, I realized yesterday that I was really just restless and anxious to see this guy I have been dating for a couple of years. His name is Austin. He goes to school in Stillwater, so I haven't gotten to spend very much time with him for the last two years, excluding summer and Christmas breaks.

Last night we drove to Stillwater because I needed to pay the deposit to my future landlady and he just needed to go back for this week of school. Who knew that was exactly what the doctor had ordered for me? We talked and laughed and drank bad coffee from Starbucks and talked and laughed some more. After a night of cuddling, talking about this summer and the years to come when we will be actually living in the same town (WHAAAT?!?!?!), spaghetti, Parks and Recreation, and giggle fits where I ended up on the floor, I drove back to Tulsa in the rain, listening to Iron & Wine and thanking God for how wonderful my life is.

It's a good life.

Looking Forward

In two weeks (well, fifteen days to be exact), I will graduate from Tulsa Community College with an Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts. I will go to New York City for a couple of days with some good friends. I will move to Stillwater, OK to share a house with three other girls. I will start a new facet of my job at the Starbucks there. I will work full time for the summer and save money (something at which I have never excelled) for the school year. 

My mind has been swimming with all the possibilities. Change is so near I can taste it. I keep looking at things in my room, trying to decide if I will take this with me or leave that behind to be slowly processed into or out of my life. I have been choosing which books to take with me and they would already be packed away if I could find a spare box big enough. I have refrained from stripping my walls of posters and paintings because.. where would I put them? They would probably end up leaned against the wall, a few feet below where they had originally hung. 

But wait. I haven't graduated yet. I still have to finish these two weeks of classes. At this point, I am failing my Spanish 4 class because of various occurrences and happenings and I am not completely innocent of procrastination. According to my professor, there is still hope, so as soon as I hit the "Publish Post" button, I will be living and breathing Spanish in a desperate attempt to graduate and keep my Phi Theta Kappa Honors Society membership. 

My mind is constantly leaping forward to May 6, the day I walk with hundreds of other students, draped in a bright blue cap and gown, to receive my diploma, but I am constantly pulling it back to the present where there are still many loose ends flapping in the wind. If I do not attend to things in the present, I will be unable to attend to things in the future. 

God give me the patience to push through these fifteen days, which are coming to an end all too quickly, and have mercy on me and my Spanish class.  

Bleck.

For the last three weeks I have had a bit of a cough and runny nose, which I chalked up to the allergies and drought. Yesterday, though, I finally admitted that I am sick, but that might have had something to do with me feeling absolutely rotten. So now my sinuses are exploding and my nose is running off my face. 

Does anyone have some good chicken soup recipes or other sickness comfort foods? 

Spring! Glorious Spring!!!

Welcome to Tulsa. Home of the Tulsa Driller, Mayo Hotel, and the BOK Center. We have huge tornadoes and epic ice storms, as well as a wide, muddy stream known as the Arkansas River. There are delicious, indie, hole-in-the-wall coffee shops and diners, and this cute little mile of shops and restaurants known as Brookside. Oh, and when spring arrives, it's the most beautiful place in the world.

I'm serious. The trees explode into flowers, and the stark contrast of the light petals against the dark, naked wood is other-wordly. Crocuses begin to peep up through the brown grass and robins appear. The non-flowering trees grow fuzzy with tiny leafy buds. The sky is painted a brilliant blue. The grass slowly comes to life, a dusty hint of green becoming bright and dominant. People drive with their windows down and the sunroofs open, and they all look like this, dying to get a face-full of sun, wind, and fresh air.

Isn't it wonderful? What is your favorite part of spring? 

I admit.

Well okay... I might have skipped Spanish class today... And we might have had a test today...

But it's no big deal. My teacher is letting me make it up.

Life has been so stressful lately. It was nice to just cry to my mom and eat chocolate instead of sitting through three hours of fast-paced Spanish. I am counting down the days (31!) until I graduate and I am done with school for a bit.

What is your favorite kind of chocolate? Which is the best comfort chocolate? And other comfort food, for that matter?

Ohhh.

Pardon the unintended, far-too-long hiatus. There is something to be said for procrastinating on doing your copious amounts of homework during Spring Break: Don't do it. So, needless to say, the last couple of weeks have been non-stop. Homework, preparing speeches, helping my brother move into his super sweet apartment downtown, keeping up with my online Old Testament class. Oh and work. 

Speaking of work... Yesterday I went in at 10:30. At 10:45, the power went out. At 12:15, it came back on. So what were we doing for that hour and a half that we had no ability to make espresso drinks or frappuccinos? We cleaned. Ohhh did we clean. We were able to serve iced tea, iced chai, and iced coffee while we had it, by keeping track of what we sold and making change from the tip jar. Inevitably, people came in and asked, after we explained that we could not make espresso drinks because we had no power, if they could have a latte or a frappuccino, or if they could use the wifi. How many times did I say "Well that requires electricity, and we don't have it right now"? I have no idea. On the bright side, we got everything cleaned we could possibly clean, so our store is bright and shiny now. 

Last night, I watched a movie with some friends of mine from high school. The movie was titled "Devil", which I found to be all too appropriate. You might be wondering, "Why in the world would anyone want to watch a movie called "Devil"?" Believe me, I was wondering the same thing all last night while I was waiting for the Devil to appear over my bed, ready to cause my horrific death by some injury to my neck/throat. Brief synopsis: Five people get on an elevator in a tall office building. About twenty floors up, the elevator gets stuck. The lights begin flickering, and one by one, as the lights flicker off for thirty seconds at a time, each person is violently killed. As the story progresses, the police and fire department are called to try to rescue the people in the elevator, while the passengers are frantically turning against each other, trying to figure out who is killing them. One security guard, a Spanish Catholic, knows exactly what is going on: The Devil has taken human form and is one of the passengers, causing the lights to flicker and killing each person. Freaky.

 I went through various methods of dealing with my fear: closing my eyes so I couldn't see the Devil appearing over my bed, keeping my eyes open to convince myself that nothing was actually there to take my soul, praying out loud for other people, ect. There is a reason I don't watch scary movies: I can't sleep until the sun comes up. I know that this movie had a message of forgiveness, which was cool, but when you're drifting between the grips of sleep and wakefulness, you forget the forgiveness and manage to focus only on the scary devil person. If you can handle scary movies and you think this one might be good, go for it. If you can't handle scary movies, definitely don't try to handle this one. 

Eggs!!

So I did an informative presentation on eggs yesterday for my Speech class. Here are a few quick, cool facts!

In Macedonian local lore, if you share a birthday or even birth month with a dying relative, your days are also numbered. Cheating death can be achieved by sharing the yolk of an egg with this relative while standing on opposite sides of a stream.

In Mergentheim, Germany, if someone falls gravely ill, that person must tie a white thread around an egg and throw it into a fire. If the shell turns black, death is near.

In Morocco, a woman who has a very young son and is preparing to give birth again must keep an egg close to her during labor. After delivery, the egg is given to the older brother to ensure that the siblings will like each other. If the egg is eaten by someone other than the brother, the newborn baby will grow up to hate the mother.

Across Europe, eggs have been used to tell fortunes. This is usually done by piercing the shell and catching drops of the falling egg white in a glass of water. The shapes formed by the white are interpreted by an unmarried woman who is looking for clues to her future husband’s profession. A ship means a sailor, ect.

In rural Russia, eggs can help you become friends with supernatural forces. The house sprite, or spirit, sometimes takes the form of a snake. If a snake is seen around the house, it is good to offer some egg pancakes to it. If the gift is accepted, you have the loyalty of the sprite. If not, your house will burn down.

Occasionally, hens lay eggs with imperfect shells or eggs without shells at all. In England, such eggs are traditionally called “wind eggs” because it is believed that the hen had been impregnated by the wind instead of the rooster.

In parts of Hungary, if a black hen lays a soft-shelled egg, it is destroyed upon discovery, because it signifies terrible omens: The earth is softening beneath a member of the family, which is a metaphor of impending death.

Many cultures consider unusual eggs – misshapen, empty, yolkless, shell-less, or ones with the yolk and white mixed – to be laid by the rooster instead of the hen.

In 1474, legal proceedings were brought against a rooster accused of laying an egg for purposes of practicing witchcraft. The rooster was convicted as a sorcerer in the form of a bird and burned at the stake with his egg.

If you are stressed out at work, beset by bad luck, or missing a deceased relative, there is hope. In Jamaican culture, if you sneak into a church yard at night and offer an egg to the deceased, along with rice and rum, the ghost will accept the food and offer to help you and give you good luck.

The average chicken egg weighs about two ounces, or sixty grams.

Don’t know if an egg is good or bad? Drop it in water. If it sinks, it’s still fresh. If it floats, it is old and should not be eaten.

To avoid a situation faced by Ramona Quimby when she smashed a raw egg on her head, spin the egg on end. If it wobbles, it is raw. If it spins easily and smoothly, it is hard-boiled and is safe to crack on your head.

The color of the eggshell does not relate to its nutritional value.  Red hens usually lay brown eggs, and white hens lay white eggs.

One hen can lay about 250 eggs in one year.

Older hens tend to lay larger eggs, but double-yolked eggs are produced by younger hens whose egg-laying cycles are not quite in sync yet.

The world’s largest chicken egg was laid in China in 2009. It was 6.3 centimeters wide, 9.2 centimeters long, and weighed 201 grams, being a little more than three times heavier than the average chicken egg at 60 grams. 

The ostrich egg is the largest (in reference to mass/volume) example of a single biological cell. The longest single is the nerve cell in giant squid and other huge sea animals. 

Eggs are the only naturally edible source of vitamin D.

Eggs are good for your eyes, hair, nails, liver, brain, nerves, and heart. 

Eggs make a great facial mask and shampoo.  

Tattoo?

I am thinking about getting a tattoo with the line from e. e. cumming's poem "Above all things you shall be glad and young": "I would rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance."

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Criticisms?

I am not the Judge.

Do you ever experience those times when you think you are over something that hurt you, and then discover that you aren't? And it ruins your day because you are mad all over again, not only about that thing that happened, but that you aren't over it yet? Today I was rudely reminded, or brought to awareness, of something that happened to me about a month ago, and to my surprise I was angry all over again. And then I was grumpy because I had not moved past the hurt and humiliation like I thought I had. Does this happen to everyone? Or am I just a grudgy person? I always thought I was the kind of person to get over something in five minutes, or at least over night. I guess not.

In church on Sunday, the sermon was about how, as humans, we are not wired to deal with decisions of right and wrong. God did not create us to choose between these things.  He told Adam and Eve not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But because of sin, we are faced with these decisions every day. Choosing between right and wrong, good and evil, puts us in a position to decide who gets punished and who gets rewarded, even if just in our own minds. "What is the chief end of man?" "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." NOT judge everyone. When we decide who gets what, we become judges. But there is only one Judge. If we presume to judge our peers, then we are assuming the role of God.

Instead of assuming the role of Judge, we should turn to the one and only Judge. When faced with a decision, we shouldn't decide by ourselves that this person is wrong and we are obviously right. We should turn to our Father and say, "What should I do with this?" I guarantee that He will help us out.

Maybe I need to turn to my Father about this situation that hurt me and ask, "What should I do with this?"

Thankful Things

When I was young, my parents would convene our family in their bedroom or in the living room or some other place in our house big enough to fit all of us, for family prayer time. We divvied up different topics of prayer to each kid: our family, guidance for the government, protection for the military, school, etc. Once I got smart and said "Can I pray for everything tonight?" Surprised, my parents said yes. I proceeded to bow my head and say, "Dear God, I pray for all the problems in the world, that You would fix them. Amen." I think my dad thought it was cute, but I tried to pray the same thing the next night and it didn't fly.

Before we prayed, though, we would be asked for our "thankful things" - things for which we were thankful that happened during the day, or just something for which we were continuously thankful. We were required to come up with at least one thing, and usually we could. If we couldn't, we would say something like "I'm thankful to that I am breathing."

This all came out my attempt every day to find joy in the everyday details , which turned into "For what am I thankful?"

I am thankful...
- that my friend is late to coffee this morning so I can sit and be thankful
- for the sunshine outside
- for money to buy a Bumble (chai and banana - freaking awesome)
- for this baby 
- for breathing
- for this wonderful fiesta/hispanic/mambo music paying at Shades
- for my best friend, who agreed to do a Bible study with me
- for my wonderful boyfriend

And a lot of other things that I

Baby laughs = the best.

The Stresses of Life... The Beauty of Life...

I feel like I have been wining a lot lately about how much I have going on, and I apologize. I'm sure you don't really care about that haha. Hopefully after Tuesday (tomorrow), things will slow down and life will be normal again.

However, it's time to focus on the positive things in life. God has given us such a wonderful opportunity here - living on this planet that He created, eating the fruit of the earth, and being able to know Him. Why, then, do I focus so much on the crap of life? Deadlines, homework, work meetings, stressful situations in which homework partners don't hold up their end of the bargain.

Yesterday in church, a man spoke about God showing him to enjoy the everyday details: his daughter's laughter and the light in their eyes, the smell of coming rain, bringing home a paycheck and putting food on the table. He spoke about Christ's death for us, and how His sacrifice is present in those wonderful, everyday details. We take communion to commemorate His suffering once a month for 10 minutes on a Sunday before moving on to announcements and lunch, but we should acknowledge and appreciate His Table every moment of every day. He encouraged us to take notice of the everyday details, and to "drink deep" from the cup of communion as we notice them.

Today, I am sitting at Shades of Brown, a local coffee shop on Brookside. It's dreary and cold outside. My shoulders are sore. Where are those little details for me today?

They are in my cup of hot coffee.
They are in the jazz playing on the speakers.
They are in the smell of rich espresso coming my way from the machine across the bar.
They are in the little girl tottling around with her mother, pink ruffled jumper, bright blue tights, short, tousled blonde hair, chubby face, bubbly giggle, endless curiosity.
They are in the beautiful, fluffy Alaskan Malamute outside, waiting while his owner enjoys a cup o' joe.
They are in the barista who always seems to have words of wisdom about how his day is going.
Oh, and they are in the sun peeping through the clouds to make the day warm.

Those are the little details that remind me of Christ and His love, and that make me happy to be alive.

What are the little details for you?

Politics. What the heck?

Yesterday, my mother bombarded me with some stressful information.

Note: You must understand that she religiously listens to Rush Limbaugh. She knows I hate listening to him - who wouldn't? He bellows and shouts all the time - so she doesn't listen to his show while I am home. She listens to him in the car and comes home and tells me what he says, which isn't much better.

Anyway, she came home yesterday and rattled off something about President Obama doing something to marriage and it's awful and the world is collapsing in on itself. I walked away with "President Obama is doing away with the institution of marriage, so no one can even get married anymore. Marriage is abolished." What?! So then I get really upset because I, like a lot of people, am looking forward to my wedding day. My emotional roller coaster went through several phases at that point: I hate politics. I am sick of this damn president doing whatever the heck he wants and thinking he can get away with it, and I am sick of hearing about it. I feel helpless to do anything about it. All that comes from paying attention to politics is me feeling helpless and getting angry because I feel helpless. Then I swear off politics all together. But that's no good either. If I just ignore them, I am still haunted by the fear that one day I will wake up and everything will be different.

I found out later that marriage was still legal, and that Obama just told the Attorney General to not uphold the Defense of Marriage act (marriage is between a man and a woman), which was put into practice during the Clinton Administration, in some court case. My response: "Okay, so he isn't doing away with the institution of marriage itself." Mom: "Well it sure sounds like it." At that point, I walked away because I was getting stressed out again.

So where do I stand? I hate politics. I really do. They stress me out, make me angry, and then my day is ruined. But ignoring them isn't ideal either.

As a Christian... Where do I stand on gay marriage? I have gay friends. They are still people, and they should have rights too. But what about what I believe about marriage? The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. So there are these people who are leading lives of sin and wanting to marry the same gender. What do I do with them? I believe that we should love everyone because Christ loved everyone, but how do you love someone and disagree with what they are doing at the same time and be tactful about it?

As a Christian... Where do I stand on Obama's inclination towards Socialism? The Bible says "If a man does not work, neither shall he eat." It seems pretty simple to me. If you work and you get paid accordingly, that is your money. It belongs to you. If you don't work, then you don't get money. That is your problem. Not mine, not the government's.

Where is the line between religion and politics? Is there a line at all? Should I completely separate the two? Should I mix them beyond recognition?

As an English Literature major, in a field full of hippies and liberals, where do I stand?

Do I become a political activist and go crazy Republican? Do I retreat from the political arena and lie low while keeping my priorities straight?

As a young Christian in this day and age, what do I do?!


Maybe the first step is to find a better source on political happens other than my mom and Rush.

No time... No time... NO TIME!!!

Lately I have had the feeling that life has plotted with my adversaries to make things difficult for me. With the snow and all things as such, I missed almost two weeks of school. Normally, that isn't a big deal. However, when one has classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and one of those classes is an eight-week class, missing a week and some change is pretty rough. In order to catch up with the syllabus, my Spanish teacher instigated a battery of tests for the following four class periods: take a test and learn the next chapter, come back, take a test and learn the next chapter, etc. Thank God and His mercy that that is over.

I still feel like I'm playing catch-up with life, though. I can't get up early enough to get everything done that needs to be done. Work, school, sleep, the gym, eating half-way decently, laundry: keeping my life in a general state of orderliness has become a huge challenge. I go to bed exhausted and end up sleeping later than planned, and then I am running two steps behind the rest of the world. Like today: I wanted to get up, go to the gym, go to Shades of Brown  (favorite coffee shop ever) to do some homework, and go to work. Instead, I slept late, managed to get to work on time, and NOW I'm at Shades, exhausted and barely functioning.

At this point, I feel like I need to just survive for the coming weeks until spring break, but I don't want to just survive. I want to do well. I got into OSU with good grades, and I don't want to slack off just because I'm in. I just can't motivate myself to push for that goal.

I am in a state of subdued panic (because I don't have the energy for full blown panic) and foreboding, like there is a storm coming and I know that it is coming and it will be awful and there is absolutely nothing I can do except dread it.

Oh. Did I mention that the storm is expected to arrive tomorrow? Bright and early tomorrow with a 5-8 minute speech that I haven't really started yet. It is an expansion of a 3-5 minute speech we already did, but I need to come up with more examples and details. Then there is the literature class for which I haven't read the assignment or started the essay, for which the due date WAS the 20th, but my teacher is rescheduling it, so the date is TBA. Every good reason to procrastinate, right? Then there is my three hour Spanish class, for which I have not done the online homework for the last several assignments because the due date is also open-ended. However, this is the class that is eight weeks, and those eight weeks are nearing an end, so I am feeling more and more inclined, but still not motivated, to do those assignments.

Dear God, help me, please. Give me the strength, motivation, determination, and inclination to do all that I need to. Through You, I can do all things.

Life.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral. I didn't go for the deceased. I had probably spoken five words to him in the entire time I knew of his existence. I went for his wife, a teacher of mine from junior high and high school. I hadn't been to a funeral since my granddad went to be with The Lord in 2003, so this was a relatively foreign experience to me.

Being older (and wiser?) now, I was much more aware of the gravity of the situation. Sitting in the congregation, I saw the casket, draped with an American flag, and it struck me: "There is a dead body in that box. There is a body that used to have blood pumping through it and be full of life. But it's not anymore." There was a picture of the man on the projection screen and I kept looking from the picture to the casket and back, trying to comprehend it. The concept of life and its passing is a strange and interesting one.

The family filed in. I could hear the sniffing and muffled sobbing, and an unexpected wave of emotion crashed over me. The urge to burst into tears stayed with me for the rest of the day, and I had no idea why.

Nothing like a funeral to make you appreciate your own life.

Two things about this funeral gave me pause:

1) One of Austin's friends, upon hearing that I was going to a funeral, brought up an interesting thought: Times like these make you wonder how you have impacted people with your life. Of course this made me think of my own life. How have I impacted people? I would like to believe that I have some effect on people I meet, but on the other hand, what if I have gone through life effectless? I want to impact people with my life.
2) The sermon at the funeral was: What changes would you make to your life if you knew your life would not be around much longer? Whether you have a few days or a few years left, what would you change? There are plenty of things I could change in my life. Plenty of things I need to change.

I need to change how I view people. At my job, it is easy to profile and prejudge people and what kind of drink they will order. It follows that it is easy to respect someone who orders a Frappuccino less than someone who orders a latte. But why do I do that? Honestly, because Frappuccinos are annoying to make and they're really bad for you, so obviously the people ordering them are annoying too. See? I did it again. Instead of prejudging people, I need to see them as God sees them: beautiful creations who need His love. As cracked and messed up as I am, I can be a vessel to carry His love to them.

I think that if I change how I view people, I can change how I impact them.

I have two philosophies about life:
Better communication could solve all the problems in the world.
Love people, because Jesus did.

I think I will add a third:
Love God, and everything else will follow in order.

Think about it. God doesn't let a sparrow fall from the sky without noticing it, so of course He is going to look out for me. I just need to love, listen to, and obey Him.

I miss spring.

It's official. The sun needs to come out and melt this snow. Including the stuff to come tonight. I want spring to come and warm things up and bring out the flowers so I can open my windows and breathe the fresh, delicious air.

As it is, more snow is coming, and I am stuck in my room with coffee and chocolate, listening to some Enya. Also, I'm trying to get a head start on the Spring Cleaning by de-cluttering at 10 pm. Wish me luck.

Day 4

Well it's Day 4 of Snowpocalypse 2011.

I finally got to go to work today. I have been enjoying the days off, but paychecks are good too. The roads here in Tulsa are a DIS-AS-TERRR. My brother Chris and I helped two people get un-stuck this afternoon, and in the process, got stuck ourselves. Fortunately, Luna Lovegood, my loyal Infiniti QX4 with her stellar 4WD was able to get out pretty easily. Needless to say, I have had my workout for the next two weeks.

Now, after some leftover spaghetti and meatballs, made by yours truly because my mom has the flu (I have been pumping the Vitamin C), I am listening to Of Montreal, sipping some coffee, and blogging.

See that cool coffee pot thing? I found that deep in the recesses of our cabinet. According to my mom, it's an antique, and I am allowed to take it with me when I move out. Score? I think so. 

Speaking of scoring. My fabulous cousin Erin sent me a link for a Tulsa Groupon. $10 for $20 of merchandise at Barnes and Nobel.  Check it out. There are only three days left to buy it, so hurry! Hurry! 

Something I noticed today: How much my reactions differ between situations. I am much more likely to pray when I am hoping to avoid something bad, but instead of praying when I do encounter something bad, I curse. Example: Driving my dad and his assistant to work today (again, I am the only one with 4WD in my family so I have been dubbed "Taxi Driver"), we were going down a particularly treacherous hill and in my mind I was frantically repeating: "Dear God please let us get down this hill and up this coming hill okay dear God please let us get down this hill and up this coming hill okay dear God...". But this afternoon when Chris and I got stuck, did I pray? Nope. More like choice expletives were making themselves known. *For the record, I don't curse. Often. Only when I get stuck in the snow. Or when I have to stop quickly. You might say that driving brings out the best and worst in me.* 

So why do I curse in bad situations and pray in potentially bad ones? No idea. I do know that it's going to be a process to weed out the curses and plant prayers in their place. 

But, like Paul says, I can do all things through Christ. 

Snowpocalypse 2011 update 2.

Well. Our kitchen exploded.

Wait. WHAT?!

No really. My family and I were sitting at the table, finishing up a late breakfast of delicious biscuits and sausage gravy concocted by my brother Seth, when we heard a horrible splashing explosion. We had been having some work done on some piping in front of the house, so we run outside to see what the commotion was about. Nothing. Seth runs into the kitchen, followed by my dad, brother, and me. We see water running down the wall under a cabinet. Seth opens the cabinet and water comes rushing off the shelves onto the countertop and off onto the floor.

We pull all the dishes out and rush them to the table in the dining/living room. Seth took out the shelves while Dad and Casey ran to the yard, dug through two feet of snow to get to the water valve-main-thing to turn off the water. I grabbed towels from the whole house to put down on the floor and counter top.

We pulled out all the drawers, drained them, and set them up to dry against the wall in the living room. Seth started drying everything as best he could with a towel, and here we are.

So much for a nice, quiet snowed-in time at home.

THIS JUST IN: The guy who has been taking care of all the plumbing in the back yard was able to brave the two feet of snow with his right-hand guy to fix the pipe. WE HAVE WATER!!

God is so good. Seth's flight back to Kentucky got cancelled an hour before this happened. He was the one who did a lot of the dish-evacuation and clean up. God had us taken care of. He is so good.

Snowpocalypse 2011 update.

Well here we are. Tuesday morning. The Blizzard has arrived.

So here is the wall of snow waiting to get us. 

See that ridge? That's a three-feet-high wall. Gone. 

And it's still coming. I have lived in Oklahoma for my whole life, and I don't think I have ever seen anything like this. Incredible. No work tomorrow? Let's hope so. I don't want to go to work at 6 tomorrow morning. 

Snowpocalypse 2011.

I am sure we all remember the Ice Storm of 2007 (was it REALLY four years ago?!) when Satan decided to take up lodgings in the Midwest. Death, destruction, snow, ice, more ice, power outages, no school, the list goes on.

Our tree was never the same. 

Neither were those. 

Apparently this is from another ice storm. I am seriously sitting on the ice. This picture is from the one in January. 

Well, we have another storm coming. The hype started on Saturday, when I saw there was a "Significant Weather Alert" for Stillwater. That snowballed (yes, pun intended) into a "Winter Weather Alert", a "Winter Weather Watch", a "Winter Weather Warning", and finally "Blizzard Alert". Seriously. We are supposed to get a blizzard. 

Fortunately, it held off while I was driving home from work. It was very windy though. You know the feeling you get when you can hear the wind, and it's blowing really hard, but it hasn't hit your car yet? I had that feeling the whole way home. 

Now the storm has actually hit. I can hear the ice bouncing off the windows, and the ground is already covered. Tomorrow will be very interesting.  

Until then, I am sincerely yours, with a mug of mint tea. 

Why do we do it?

So I was going to post something about how lovely this weekend was and how sad I was to see it go, and I thought "Who is going to want to read this?" And then I thought "Why do I blog in the first place?" And then I thought "For whom do I blog?"

Really. Why do we blog? Do we blog for our readers? For ourselves? For a specific cause? Sure, there are blogs with a specific purpose - covering sports , delicious recipes , etc. But what about the rest of us? Why do we blog?

I, for one, enjoy the edification of comments on my posts. But we all enjoy being noticed and knowing that someone reads our ramblings. Is this just a cry for attention? For some, it's a creative outlet. I want my blog to become a creative outlet, but I know that at this moment, it is far from that. Do we blog to rant about how much our lives suck? I wouldn't want to burden you or anyone with my complaining. I don't like complaining anyway. It makes me feel gross and moldy. And on that rabbit trail, my life doesn't suck. I have a wonderful family, a great job, a fantastic boyfriend, and a French press. What more do I need? Do we blog to simply talk about our day, like a journal? Written journals, in leather-bound books of old, blank, yellowed paper that smells like one hundred years of history when you open them and see their emptiness begging to be filled, are much more personal. Or do we muse about ideas, faith, opinions, and hobbies, and hope that maybe someone else out there will see it and agree so that we know we are not completely alone and off our rockers?

What do you think? Why do YOU blog? This isn't rhetorical. I don't really know why I blog. I just know that I enjoy it.

It's been a crazy last few days. Okay maybe a crazy week and a half. Two weeks ago we found out that the main sewer line from our house connecting to the city sewer line is non-existant, and there is no way of telling how long it has been like that. So.... All of our laundry water, shower water, dish water, toilet water... and other things... have been just seeping into our yard. It's a miracle it's not a marsh. And doesn't stink to high heaven. Long story short, our yard is STILL a mess - the snow made everything wet and they have to wait for it to dry to fill the hole. But we are able to use the water now, so no more hotels. Even though I really enjoyed the king sized bed. Yes please.

Also, I FINALLY got the okay to move to an apartment/house Stillwater, so I am trying to find a place.

And I'm trying to get ready for Winter Court this weekend. For those of you who don't know, Winter Court is the formal event of my itsy bitsy high school. As an alum and former Queen of Winter Court, I get to go back. Here's hoping my little brother gets King. Even though he is a junior, he is eligible because juniors and seniors are on the ballot. The middle and high schoolers vote for who they think most deserves the title of King or Queen based on their character.

This is Austin and me as King and Queen of Winter Court in 2009. 

So as you can see, it's a pretty nice formal event. Very exciting. I will be sure to post pictures of this year. 

I have been so busy this week that I feel like I have not had time to take a minute for myself. Or God. Which is more important than taking time for myself. Hopefully on the drive to Stillwater tomorrow morning (to take my transcript, talk to an advisor, and get in my name at the Starbucks) I can have some time for both of us. 

Time to grow up

Watching my grandparents get older and figuratively (and literally) waste away - my grandma has lost 50 pounds pretty recently due to a new extremely restrictive diet and no teeth - I have come to realize that age stops for no one. Today at lunch my mom, out of the blue, asked me if I had ever thought about what kind of mother I would be. Either this was completely arbitrary, or she knows something I don't. That started me thinking about my plans for next year, and the year after, and what I am going to do with my life, and when I am going to get married, and what kind of home I want, and how many kids I want, and how many dogs I can handle at one time, and where I want to live with all these kids and dogs and husband.

And then I realized that I am really excited to grow up.

I hear it's not all it's cracked up to be, but still. It's worth a shot. I can't wait to have my own place next year and do the dishes and clean the bathroom and mop the floor and all those other menial tasks. The idea of being on my own and making my own food and *insert myriad of other exciting things people do when they live alone* positively thrills me.

But I also realized that all this will take an adult. Not a 20 year old kid who has been living off of her parents at home and going to community college and working at Starbucks. That's not me or anything...

So it's time for me to grow up. I see myself as pretty responsible, but living on my own and going to school *at OSU yeah yeah* and working will take that responsibility to a whole new level.

It's going to be a challenge, but I am chomping at the proverbial bit to take it on.

Bring it, adulthood. I'm ready. I think.

I am barely into the new semester and I am already experiencing a great lesson in procrastination and its various forms of evil. So here I am, taking yet another break from Spanish, munching on Starbucks Chocolate Dipped Madeleines *sooo good* and sipping an Iced Caramel Macchiato. Not only am I slacking, but I am getting fat in the process.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to concentrate tonight. I have a Spanish test on Thursday, which my teacher says will be the hardest of the semester, and I didn't study over the weekend. This is the prefect opportunity to correct that mistake, and here I am... Blogging. I understand the grammar area of the language well enough. Grammar is kind of my thing. Vocabulary is my weak point. I know enough to get the gist of the text, but why settle for the gist? Why not get the whole picture?

I'm lazy. No really. I am.

I got through high school with minimal studying, and I got academic scholarships for my first year of college. I have a 4.0 GPA (not trying to brag here... okay maybe a little) because I find most studying to be more a part of life that isn't horrible and less "Ugh my soul is shriveling up as I read this chapter." Except for Spanish. So my flesh is saying, "Sweetie... Enjoy those madeleines. Go to bed now. You have a big day tomorrow. Sleep while you can." But my brain is saying, "Are you freaking crazy? You KNOW you aren't going to be studying tomorrow. You have to work and Austin is coming into town. You have to study tonight or you will not be ready for the test. No one cares what the weather men say about it snowing four inches on Thursday. You know that TCC won't close and you will have to go take that test and be completely unprepared. And whose fault will that be? That's right. Yours." And then my flesh responds with, ".....But you're so tired! You didn't sleep well last night. Go to bed. You know you want to."

I suppose the first step to kicking procrastination in its fat butt is getting off of here.

Goodbye Blogspot. Hello Spanish.

Best sandwich to ever hit your unsuspecting taste buds.

So I just made this sandwich. It is freaking awesome. How can you achieve sandwich success? Well, I'll tell you.

Freaking Awesome Sandwich

Two pieces of whole wheat bread (I used Nature's Own 100% Whole Wheat).

One avocado, smashed and lightly salted (lumpy is okay).

Deli sliced turkey (I used Hillshire Farms Oven Roasted Turkey Breast) or your choice of meat.

Two slices of provolone cheese (I used Sargento Natural Provolone).

Baby spinach leaves (I used Organic Girl Baby Spinach).

Alfalfa sprouts.

Sliced tomato.

Spread the avocado on the two slices of bread - it replaces mayo. Add the sliced turkey in whatever fashion and quantity you desire. Layer on the provolone cheese. Add the sliced tomato. Top with a generous amount of baby spinach. On the other piece of bread, add the alfalfa sprouts, gently pressing them into the avocado so they don't go everywhere. Very carefully place that piece of bread on top of the mountain of goodness. Vola. Sandwich. Enjoy with iced tea and lots of napkins. 

I enjoy this sandwich because all of the ingredients themselves are subtle enough in taste, but when combined, they create a medley of blissful awesomeness. And it's healthy, so props to that! 

By the way, you may be wondering why I am eating turkey and cheese while I am supposed to be fasting. Usually it takes me a few days to get over a cold, but I am STILL sick. I am on the tail end of it, but still. I was not getting the nutrients (excessive protein) my body needed, and it was no good. We are planning to try another fast that is not so extreme. My body couldn't handle the multiple stressers of being sick and a drastic change in diet, and Austin, as an architecture student, has to pull all-nighters on a regular basis, and he needs the extra nutrients too. Maybe this diet will work better in the summer when delicious farmers markets are on every street corner. 

Practice what you preach

Here I talked about loving God and trusting Him to take care of the rest. While that post was relevant to my life in a sort of "this could happen to you and it probably will" way, I realized I am smack in the middle of a "real life happening now" situation. I am in the process of sorting out an issue with two people who I love and respect very much.We don't have frequent conflicts, so when we do, it's really very stressful. I won't burden you with the details because, honestly, you don't need to know.

Anyway, I was just thinking about how distressing this situation was, and boom, I feel like God said, "Why aren't you trusting me with this?" And why wasn't I? Because, frankly, it's feels so much better to worry, worry, worry. Am I right? I said, "Am I right?" (Sorry. Charlie Brown moment.) So now all that's left is giving this issue to my Daddy in Heaven, because, really, what do I have to lose? Oh, wait, that's right. Nothing.

What is really important here?

I was downstairs tonight, drinking coffee with soy milk (That part of my fast is going well, and I just got back from the grocery store with a haul of delicious *hopefully* food. Does anyone have some good tofu recipes? Because I got a block of tofu without actually having a concrete plan for its demise.) and listening to my dad and brother talk about stocks and the economy and money and stressful-doom-and-gloom things. I wasn't really listening because I was telling my brother's friend the story of my crazy roommates from last year and how they got really, REALLY drunk and trashed our apartment while I was gone one night. (Now I am really shy of roommates, hence the living at home for now. That's another ramble for another time.) Then my dad said something that got my attention: "In twenty years, the dollar will be obsolete."

Twenty years? Twenty years ago was 1991. Jelly shoes. Pink jeans. White athletic socks that go up to your knees. Wearing all of the above together. "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. was the top pop song of the year. Twenty years seems like a long time, considering that's how long I have been alive. Well, almost twenty-one years. I was a '90 child. But looking into the future, twenty years doesn't seem very long, especially considering how much change will have to happen if the dollar is to indeed become obsolete in that amount of time. I am no economist - I'm an English major, for goodness' sake - but I know enough to understand that it is very possible that the dollar may not live to see 2021.

A lot could change by then. Hopefully, I will have graduated college, gotten a doctorate of some sort and be teaching Literature at some university, driving a BMW and living in a pretty cool house with my handsome husband, perfect children, and *insert big, gorgeous, well-behaved dog here*. I would be an awesome cook (No repeat of last Valentine's Day when I didn't cook the whole chicken long enough. It's a miracle that Austin and I didn't die of salmonella.), and I would wear pearls in the kitchen like Julia Child.

That all sounds pretty great, right? I mean, I think it does. But what about non-material things? Matthew 6:19-21 says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and thieves break in and steal. Instead, store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I love how the Message version puts it: "Don't hoard treasure down where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or - worse! - stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars! It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."

After my dad mentioned the dollar becoming obsolete, my first reaction was to worry about what was going to happen to me and my plans for the future. Then I realized that even if the dollar was going to stick around for a thousand-billion-gazillion more years, my well-laid plans could, and probably would, be changed, no matter how much effort I put into them. But I know one thing that will not ever change, and that is God's love and provision for those who love Him. Why worry about what is going to happen in twenty years? God has it all under control, and He isn't worried. Why should I be? He doesn't need me to worry for Him.

Several months ago, I was dealing with an issue that I couldn't shake, no matter how hard I tried, and I was getting really discouraged in my failure. The thought came to me: Love God, and everything else will follow in due course. Saint Augustine said "Love God, and do as you please." I won't have anything to worry about if I keep my focus on God. He will take care of my every, single need (does a BMW count as a need?), and all he asks in return is that I love Him. Sounds pretty simple when you get down to it, doesn't it? I'm not kidding anybody, least of all myself. It will be hard, but so very rewarding.

I love God a whole lot, but sometimes it's easy to forget that He is up there, watching, while I live life in my comfortable, middle-class way. Wealth can breed a false sense of security, and all we need is one windfall of disaster (Job, anyone?) and we are screaming at God about why this happened and we never did anything to deserve this. But it's that sense of security that turned into the thinking that we are okay and we don't need anyone or anything to help us out. So God comes along and taps us on the shoulder - sometimes a gentle tap, sometimes an earth-shaking tap - to get our attention off of ourselves and back onto Him. I won't even kid myself that I can make it through life without that happening (I'm human, like you and everyone else on this planet), but I hope that this fast will get me a little more in tune with God and His plans. Maybe then He won't have to tap so hard when He is sending a change-of-your-plans memo.

Realistic and Not Far-Fetched

Who else likes snow? I love it. But only when it's in the air. When I am at work, I can see a parking lot light (one of those on the big poles.. I know they have a real name) from the window and last night the snow was so pretty as it floated down past the light pole. Light pole... Is that it's real name? Someone should come up with a cooler name. Anyway, snow on the ground melts and then freezes and wreaks havoc on Tulsans, who, unfortunately, have no idea how to drive in such weather.

Oh, also I got sick yesterday. So now I am sitting a home, having skipped my first day of classes due to the fact that Niagara Falls decided to relocate to my nose and the Arnold Schwarzenegger we all know and love from The Terminator is flexing his copious muscles in my sinuses. So... I am curled in a big comfy chair, eating chips and homemade guacamole (I can't type a sentence without going back for more - it's that good), and looking out at the rapidly diminishing snow. Today has given me time to think about what needs to be done in my life. There are the typical, over-used and under-achieved ideas of losing weight, fitting back into my high school jeans, de-cluttering my life, become blogger of the year... Need I say more? Unfortunately, all of these things are MUCH easier said than done, so I came up with a list of realistic and not far-fetched things I can do with relative ease:

1. At the beginning of December, I ordered a Star Wars Rebel Alliance logo window sticker on Amazon. It is still sitting on my dresser. So number one: put the freaking sticker on my rear window.

2. Finish this guacamole. Mmmmm nomnomnom.

3. De-clutter my room. This is kind of a big task, but smaller than de-cluttering my life.

4. Find an apartment in Stillwater. My plan is to transfer to the Starbucks out there (with my shining recommendations and stellar barista skills) sometime during the summer, depending on when that store would need me the most. Having a place to live would be good too, so I am on the hunt. If anyone knows of a two bedroom house or apartment relatively close to campus up for grabs, let me know? I have a friend who recently got A LOT more incentive to go to OSU with me *a boy!* so the loft apartment dream has turned into a two-bedroom house/apartment dream. Preferable: wood floors, intact roof, any place to set my French press. I'm not picky. Too picky, that is.

5. Accumulate things to put in the afore-mentioned apartment.

I recently finished watching first and, tragically, only season of Firefly and the sequel Serenity with Austin, and I have developed a Nathan Fillion crush. Oh yes. It doesn't help that I am already slightly obsessed with Castle, too. Speaking of which... New Castle episode in my Hulu Queue. See ya.

The Return

So I'm back. I honestly don't believe that anyone actually missed me during my silence, but whatever. I hope that I can make blogging a habit. I don't think I will ever have many readers - why would I? But I feel that writing every day, or every few days, will help me cultivate my writing hobby.

Over the last few weeks I have realized something. I realized that people are human. And human means that they aren't perfect. I have idolized people in my life: my boyfriend, my parents, coworkers, even this blogger couple I have been reading lately. I think that these idolized people can do no wrong ever. And then they do, and I am disappointed. It's a natural reaction, I suppose. But why do I feel so hurt and disappointed when this happens? Why do I idolize these people in the first place? I finally figured it out.

I have this void in my life and I am trying to fill it with people.

Can anyone else see the problem with this? I keep depending on these human people to be a constant source of something in my life, but how can they be? They can't. It's not humanly possible.

So how do I fill this void? Knowing with what to fill it is easy. I need to fill it with God and His word. Actually filling it will be hard. I have a tendency to get into a good routine, and then something happens to throw it off and I never get back into the groove of it. Last year, when I lived in Claremore, I had a fantastic routine of working out, eating yogurt and blueberries and reading my Bible while I waited for my adrenaline to calm down, and then I would go to bed. That went very well for a few months, until I gave blood and couldn't follow my workout routine that night. So the next night I found an excuse to forgo my ritual. And the next night I found another excuse. That was the end of my wonderful workout/Bible-reading routine.

For the new year, Austin and I agreed to begin a Daniel fast, a fast in which we eat fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and cut out processed foods, sugars, all forms of meats, and most fats. The purpose of this fast, for me, is to, cliche as it sounds, get closer to God. I have strayed away so much over the last year, and I had no idea. I still called myself a conservative Christian, but in listening to my brother talk about political and theological matters, I came to the rattling conclusion that I have become more diluted in my faith than I had thought. I know I am wrong in some of my thoughts and beliefs now, but how to fix them is my issue. I am not even sure where I am wrong on some points; I am only sure that I am. So. My purpose for fasting is to discover what I believe and why. I do not want to hold an opinion because my parents hold it. In fact, I think that one reason I fell away is because I did not want to hold the same opinion as my parents. Some of the conservative talk that my mom spouts on a regular basis makes me uncomfortable, but I think that is because I don't have the same passion that she does. I'm not really passionate about anything, except abortion and coffee. I need to acquire some passion about my faith.

So my goals for the fast: Figure out what I believe and why, and become passionate about it.

It is my fear that I will fail in the fast, and it is my prayer that I will succeed, both in the eating and the purpose behind the eating.